Last night’s Colbert Report featured a segment on a bill proposal to make English the official language of the United States. The US is one of the few countries in the world that doesn’t have an official language (in large part because of that whole First Amendment thing). The law would require all US government business to be conducted in English (which, I suppose, would mean that translations of court documents or other legal materials would not need to be provided to non-English speakers, which poses problems for that whole “due process” thing). Of course, English is the de facto language of the United State, but it is not the legal language. For the record, English is also not the official language in England, either.
That said, I would support an English-as-the-official-language proposal. But only under the following five conditions:
First, we should adopt “proper” English. Since England invented English, we should therefore use Oxford grammar rules and speak in Received Pronunciation (RP or “Queen’s” English). Noah Webster must also be officially declared a rascal and a knave.
Second, all public employees (teachers, police officers, prosecutors, members of Congress, etc.) who are unable to speak RP or write proper Oxford rules grammar shall be dismissed from their posts. If necessary, we can import native British English-speakers to tutor us during this transition.
Third, if English is to become our official language (based on historical-cultural tradition), then Queen Elizabeth II (and her heirs) shall become our head of state (though not, of course, our head of government); her face must appear on all currency used throughout the US.
Fourth, the United States must join the Commonwealth of Nations.
Fifth, soccer must henceforth be called football (see the first condition) and must be declared the national sport (replacing baseball). So-called “American football” must then be called “American rules rugby.”
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PS. An alternate solution (which many countries have taken) is to declare more than one “official” language. Bolivia has four (Spanish, Quechua, Aymara, Guaraní); India has 22.
